Its all about the money......

So this morning I sat to do accounts....I knew I owed people lots of money....but i didnt know quite how much!.....my god im broke im broke im broke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....how does this always happen?
I usually insist on looking upon this as an adventure....a temporary phase...enjoy the feeling of having nothing to fall back on!?1?.... and I guess its all part of being Independent.......but see if I was like Shashank..my brother...I would have been independent AND rich!...but that would mean I would have to be super-intelligent(ok,..i can be that...sometimes;) along with being organised,steady,have a PLAN in life...know what i want to do..and go out and get it!..that i am not,......sigh...Shashank you rock!..

Instead I let myself coast along life...gently sometimes and with rapid currents sometimes.....Saurabh tells me im not a "I WANT IT and so I will do it kinda person".....he is absolutely right....but I live with this constant fear that it brands me as kind of a pushover....I go along with other people's plan to easily....does that mean I should put my foot down always?...If i dont have a plan for the evening and other people always do...does that mean I should refuse to go along with it...just coz i DONT WANT TO?....hmmm....maybe theres a point to that...


I almost always want to stay home these days....I dont know why going out just sounds bothersome....I think I am becoming more anti-social as the days go by...I wasnt this bad....I enjoying meeting different people who I was comfortable with...I enjoyed doing something interesting and fun......now when I think about going out....it seems to a) involves SPENDING money....b)involves spending time with people I dont want to be with.....and thats NOT because they arnt nice people....coz they are...and they go out of their way to try and make me feel comfortable...i just want to be home...but when I am home...I dont know what to do. I think I spend most of my time staring at computer screens all day coz it means I dont have to think about anything else.

I remember people saying that as you get older the baggage just keeps on increasing..its like Credit Card debt (see it always comes down to money...or lack thereof;)....everyday instead of feeling like im growing...doing more stuff.....and feeling satisfied...all I end up doing is counting more baggage I have to deal with everyday...didnt do this so have to do that....did such a fucking stupid thing that the repucussions may end up being freaking disasterous..ended up fighting with people I care about because the right words just dont seem to come out.Some people say I have absurd logic....guess that would explain some of it.... but that makes me feel like my intuition is as screwed up as my life....if I can even trust my own sense of logic....

p.s.....that above line sounds waaaay too melodramatic...my lifes not all screwed up:)...is just coasting over slightly rapid currents right now.....going to have to do a quick 5-good-things-that-happened-to-me-today kinda post:)

1)....Did hisaab....most of my pain was caused by it....but its DONE! and im not entirely in the RED...yet...:)

2) ...Met leily.....I absolutely love leily....in what feels like a hundred years ago i once knew this girl....who I hit it off with almost instantly...we shared a camarederie...that was rare as well as enjoyable...she told me that...Natasha when you walk into a room people feel like talking to you!....that was I think the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me....anyways back to the point....I feel like that with Leily....she makes me laugh and shows me how to smile if the face of largest problems...she is the only person I have seen who managed to smile all the way through the last days of her thesis....when it looked like it was going to be this huge disaster with nothing done...I love her courage and her spirit.

3) got my eyebrows done...feel close to human again..

4/5) GOING TO RIO soon ....that haaaaaaaas to be worth more than one point;)

Well.....that certainly brought a smile to my face.....