another morose post.....:)

so...im thinking...i will take a break from a sabbatical and write a blog BEFORE my very regular monthly post....yeah i know i know...some people write like EVERYDAY!(fools...Don't they know the value of building up to a post....hmm...ok...so they have like a hundred readers and I have like...2?...so what!...I will not sacrifice my creativity for...readers!!!:)...

its been a while since I wrote(obviously)....But I have been sort of buzy...I FINALLY got my student loan...the wheels of it in motion.....I am constantly amazed at my procrastination.....and this may sound like another excuse....But 99.99% of the time it is not procastination.....it is some sort of fear...

It seems funny but if I really think about the decisions I ve made in my life...the things I have or have not done...or the facts I hold true....can be boiled down to a couple of words.....Fear is one....Control is another..

I live in constant fear....Fear that I will not succeed.....Fear that I will......Fear that I will not be good enough....Fear that people wont like me...Fear that people wont leave me alone to my thoughts.....Fear that I will be left all alone.....Fear to be open and the center of attention and to put myself forth.....Fear that no one will consider me important enough to remember....Fear that I cannot control my destiny......and Fear that my I am responsible for my future......

Control.....itself is a very very powerful word to me...I understand it.....But not in the same way many people do...I DO not want to control the world (jeez be responsible for more than myself???...no thank you...Im in enough trouble as it is:)....I just want to be in control of me....I want to decide how I feel...(not anyone else....hate the fact that other ppl can control my emotions...).....

I may be wrong but I think these are the driving factors of most of our lives...some sre just more meglomaniacal( is that even a word?...who cares.,...I CONTROL this blog;).....than others....

As for me...lately I have been struggling to control my identity....my problem has always been that I don't take snap decisions and have strong preferences for many things...thus I get influenced by people who do....my mom for one.....so I guess this war for control of identity isnt very new......my best friend Pritam is another...for years (ive known her for 15/16 years now)...

I never wanted to much do what she thought was great fun...like go out and party at night...But she will be the first to modestly accept her incomparable skills of persuasion;)....and I didnt have a better idea...so for years I would chaperon her and her boyfriend to places to party at....and for years I would feel like an outsider....nothin makes you feel more lonely than to be in a crowd that makes you feel like an outsider...I would pretend that I am "observing" people...and I would and I enjoy that..But I was always very consicious of an aching lonliness in that crowd.....that no amount of alcohol or dancing could cure...I would be sitting quietly at a table nursing one drink(couldnt afford more...and didnt have no one to buy them for me)....so Im sober....and the one thing thats glaringly obvious to me is that no one ever asked me to dance...no one ever hit on me...a blow to my feminist ideals Im sure....But all I wanted was for some guy (didnt even have to be Brad Pitt....I was never attracted to amazingly super-gorgeous men...I may be naive....Im not stupid...when would they EVER look at me)...to come up to me....(not be a jerk/drunk/horny/loser)....say I look beautiful tonite and could he please dance with me?..or talk to me...find out what an intelligent/funny conversationalist I am?.......

*sigh*...needless to say...never once happened....week after week...I would see pritam and my other "hot" looking friends...be hit on constantly...get a little tipsy...and declare each night a roaring success....when all I thought about was....another validation for how unimportant and unpretty I am....

hmmm...this blog has an unfortunate tendency to bring out the morbid in me...doesnt it?:)..well...atleast is catharatic......